The Emo Tree: An Animated Christmas Card

So, turns out. Web comic? A LOT. HARDER. than I thought. So, I turned last year's Christmas Card into a YouTube clip. It has a real Reading Rainbow feel to it.

Merry Happy, y'all.

Duran Duran - The New W.A.V.E. Adventures: A Holiday Card to Shove Christmas Down Your Throat

Last Christmas, I gave no one my heart. But I spent it with my friend Dande and together, we came up with a license to print money. I was going to make the next blog posts a Christmas card, but screw that. Let's blog.

The premise is...well, what if in 1985, the capitalism machine got their hands on Duran Duran and convinced them to put out a crappy cartoon? Which of course would not be crappy. Because it's Duran Duran.

And so, here is the prequel comic of Duran Duran - The New W.A.V.E. Adventures.

Coca-Cola Confidence: Rachel Berry

On any other show, a character like Rachel would be all apologies and heart. She'd have a deep sense of humility and have the support of her team. And while Rachel is as doe eyed and as wholesome as an ingenue, she brings her archetype's Kryptonite: unapologetic confidence.

In Rachel, there is finally a role model for all those who ever felt bad about having bulletproof self-esteem with their talent because other people thought they were "unbearable" or an "egomaniac". It's almost too unfair that a teenager should be so comfortable with who she is. Rachel Berry has Coca-Cola Confidence.

I developed this idea a few years ago while watching someone drink a Diet Coke. It is my belief that nobody on earth - if given the chance with no repercussions - would drink a Diet Coke if they had a chance to drink a glass bottled Coca-Cola from Mexico. (You should know that I personally have been on record saying that drinking such a Coca-Cola is like frenching an angel and that I find Diet Coke to be the reason war, poverty and a 10% sales tax in California exist in the world.) People only drink Diet Coke for one reason - one calorie. Nobody likes Diet Coke - we just don't like being fat more. Which is weird because every time I see someone drinking a Diet Coke, they are chomping on a Twix bar. There's a reason why Coca-Cola jingles were "Open a Coke and Smile" and "Enjoy Coca-Cola" and Diet Coke's was "One Calorie".



Like Diet Coke, this child only has one calorie.

Diet Coke Compromise - choosing liquid indifference so you can enjoy something else you wanted - giving you 50% enjoyment for all your trouble.

To take this out of the vending machine and into the Glee, Rachel Berry one of the proudest members of the club and why wouldn't she be - she has golden pipes, stage presence, and bouncy shiny hair. If anyone calls her a loser or throws a slushie at her, she doesn't feel sorry for herself. She can take the bad as long as she knows she has the goods. She's the real thing. And when you're the real thing and treat yourself as you are, you don't have to experience one calorie of compromise.

Role Models: Bulletproof and the Terminator

I grew up in a time of Madonna and Punky Brewster - the kind of girl you wanted to be ran a gamut. It was perfectly acceptable for little girls to be anyone, as reflected by the 80's Barbie motto, "We girls can do anything, right Barbie?"

My heroes growing up remain my heroes today and because of their strengths and values I learned from them, I continue to find myself in trouble constantly. These two women broke molds and each created a unique feminine identity that despite one of them being created in the 1940's, are still challenging modern ideas of what it means to be a woman.

Bulletproof: Wonder Woman

Created in 1941 to have the strength of Superman and all the allure of a beautiful woman, Wonder Woman has had an uneasy place in the world. "She's strong and smart but fights injustice in a bathing suit, tiara and bullet proof bracelets - we're supposed to take her seriously? And she keeps getting tied up with her own rope - how dumb do you have to be?"

Let's start off with some obvious facts - one, Superman, Batman, most of the X-Men and Justice League fight injustice with their underoos showing. The fact that they do not defeat evil by eliciting laughter is one that continues to confound me. Second, she is a girl. All girls accessorize and if we can work in a tiara, then we will work in a tiara. Boys, you know that feeling you get when you see that the hero has an eye-patch? WE GET THAT EXACT SAME FEELING WHEN THERE IS A TIARA.


In the words of Hannah Montana, you got the best of both worlds.

What still appeals to me about Wonder Woman (for all her crazy backstory) is her confidence. Maybe it's cheesecake to fight for justice in a skimpy, strapless leotard, but she's very successful at it. Somedays, I can't even make it to work on time with sensible pants and a cardigan. She stands for truth, justice and in an irresistible way. Wonder Woman has some brass ones. Knockers, I mean.

Don't make her proove it.



The Terminator: Julia Sugarbaker

Few characters in television history have ever inspired my tongue to be as tart, eloquent and proud of my Southern heritage as Dixie Carter's turn as Julia Sugarbaker on Designing Women. Julia was a strong woman with firm integrity who may have been a Southern belle, but she was more than capable of bringing hell when the situation called for it. Where most would just sit meekly and hope for some uncomfortable moment to pass, Julia would decide that this was the day justice was going to be served.

One of her most memorable tirades was in the first season. Standing up for her little sister, Suzanne, who was a former Miss Georgia World who was being teased by the current title holder, Julia delivers one of the very few quotes in both movies and television that I have memorized. The other is "Well, that happened." from State and Main. This is the other.



My favorite assault which includes the most perfect Southern pronunciation of "stupid", is where a photographer comes to the office and wants Julia to "ever so slightly suck" on some pearls. This is what the comedy refer to as "set up and punch".



Of course, Julia sometimes used her powers for evil.



Nowadays, we're in a society that feels like we have to overload our heroines to a complicated degree of making them beautiful but with just enough of the right flaws, smart but with obstacles that stop them from their potential, and strong but always need to know the value of another persons help. Julia Sugarbaker and Wonder Woman are just simply smart, beautiful and strong women. Hold the complicated.

Guide Me, TV: Drop Dead Diva

In Los Angeles, there are quite a few ads for Lifetime's new hour long dramedy - comerama? - Drop Dead Diva. In those ads, a confident, beaming plus sized woman. If left to my own devices, I would have said the show was about a beaming, confident plus sized woman. That's math! Tonight, I finally checked out what the world thinks a story about a plus sized woman in today's world is all about.



The world has brought us a fatty minstrel show.

The impetus for Drop Dead Diva is that model Deb Dobson dies in a car accident (she runs into a grapefruit truck) and demands to return to earth and inquires if she is in hell after she discovers she has landed in the body of chubby lawyer, Jane Bingum. Hilarity ensues as Deb copes with being super shallow with her new found gift of Jane's mega-brain all while being fat. Life is made more complicated for Deb when her boyfriend Grayson joins the firm that Jane works at. She still loves him, but believes he doesn't know that Jane exists because she's s bore.

Wait. No. That's not right. It's because she's fat.

In fact, Jane's life sucks so much because she's fat. Jane dresses dowdy, Jane isn't confident, Jane doesn't have a life. But all that can change because now Jane is Deb - and Deb can point out that people think Jane is dowdy, not confident, and without a life. Deb at one time exclaims her dismay over Jane's plate collection and how she doesn't want to be that girl. And as the audience, I don't want her to be that girl either. Not that I want Deb to change Jane, I want to go back in time and have the writers change Jane.

Is it really hard for America to believe that a woman who is a size 16 can be confident? Do we need for Jane to be Georgie Girl - to have another girl deep inside to say, "It's okay! The fatty is secretly a hot skinny blond!" In the series initial first four episodes, Deb learns that being overweight means society judges you, you go out with sub par looking men, and you get to eat anything you want. In one terrifying scene, Jane's assistant (played by Margaret Cho) soothes a panic attack with spraying E-Z Cheeze directly into Jane's mouth. But the real watermelon in this show are the use of doughnuts - the love/hate affair Deb now has, but indulges in now that she has Jane's body. Fat girls, we jus' love our doughnuts, sho nuff.



Irrefutable math.

The show isn't all stereotypical hell. The head partner, J. Parker (played by Josh Stamberg) is pretty spot on as a young, rich white male who runs the candy store. There are shades of Richard Fish from Ally McBeal in him - if only the writers would use him more. Margaret Cho is great as Jane's assistant (and I don't say this out of loyalty, even though All American Girl rocked so fucking hard), April Bowlby gives new dimensions in Deb's similarly shallow best friend Stacy and the only one who knows her secret (aside from her guardian angel) - she's one part Stacey Q and one part Amanda Seyfried.

Lead actress Brooke Elliott is loaded with charm, beauty, and poise that makes it hard for me to say bad things about this show. Watching her, unphotoshopped, doing her job playing an overweight Elle Woods can be so enjoyable until you remember that the premise of this show is that she isn't really Elle.

That means this is the premise of the show:




Here's the truth. What's going to touch and inspire girls who feel they don't fit the perfect model mode is not watching one lumber with the burden of being a size 16 and constantly bemoaning that fact; seeing a woman who is comfortable and confident with herself not despite her weight, not because of her weight, but because she is just confident.

(Of course, the biggest crime this show commits is only using TV and Movie's Linden Ashby - the biggest star to have been in both Mortal Kombat and The Young and the Restless for a few mere scenes. Criminal!)

Achieving Your Dreams: Eating Pop Tarts vs. Being One (and also eating them)

I am sure that there are times where you think, “If I could be thinner, I’d be more popular!” or “If I had more money, I’d be able to get the girl!” Do you sometimes feel shame for wanting your life to be a bit different? How do we deal with these feelings of helplessness caused by these painful acts of crushing and unalterable reality? Because if you wanted to be thinner, you would have done so a hundred donuts and a broken toilet ago. If you wanted to be richer, you wouldn’t have married right out of high school and cheated on your wife with her best friend, knocked both of them up, and now have to pay alimony and child support to two women who are now sleeping with each other and do not let you watch.

How do we deal?

With my personal role model, Britney Spears.




Britney and I have much in common – we were little girls with big ambitions – the only difference is that she achieved hers and I’ve accepted the painful facts of crushing and unalterable reality.

Let’s look at a timeline to see where things went wrong for me:

Britney: Born in 1981
Neva: Born in 1980

Right off the bat, it is apparent that being born in a time of a Presidential election is an ominous sign of hardship.

Britney: Was in gymnastics and dance
Neva: Wanted to be in gymnastics and dance after watching a memorable episode of Kids, Inc. but was denied because it would involve driving her somewhere and spending money

Britney: Sang in Baptist choir
Neva: Praised for her lip-sync technique, often before she could explain she wasn’t going to lip-sync this time

Britney: Was on Star Search
Neva: Watched Star Search on stolen cable her mother rigged from the neighbor’s trailer with a kitchen knife

Britney: Auditioned and won a spot on the Mickey Mouse Club
Neva: Wanted to audition after finding out about it watching a memorable episode of Kids, Inc. but was denied because it would involve driving her somewhere and spending money

You see how Britney and I always remained a hair apart from living parallel lives? See how those little jumps would have made it better? Or do you not believe me. Let’s examine these a little closer.

Britney: Had her debut album go to #1
Neva: Has not yet had a debut album

Verdict: Yet! It is a proven future fact that when Neva’s debut album featuring nothing but Flock of Seagulls’ B-Sides will go triple platinum, not to mention achieve the #1 spot on the charts. Almost parallel lives!

Britney: Starred in the movie Crossroads
Neva: Burned her hand on a fresh from the oven Hot Pocket and was forced to watch Crossroads

Verdict: Both have suffered terrible fates because of the movie Crossroads – Britney for being in it, Neva for having eaten a Hot Pocket during it. Almost parallel lives!

Britney: Slept with Justin Timberlake while claiming she was a virgin
Neva: Had a boyfriend who hadn’t come out of the closet while claiming she didn’t like anal sex

Verdict: ALMOST PARALELL LIVES!

Let’s return back to the inescapable quicksand of the painful acts of crushing and unalterable reality – how do you cope? Well, sometimes when a girl seems to have it all, she really has nothing. Remember that song about a girl named “Lucky”? Who is that song really about – me or Britney?

Britney: Married the baby daddy of a girl who was on Moesha and had two kids with him before divorcing and losing support rapidly as she slowly and publicly lost her mind, her hair, and her panties.
Neva: Managed to say no to the Mexican midget hitting on her at the gay bar when drunk. Lots of hair. Lots of panties.

Britney: Got the friendship of Madonna, made out with Madonna, lost friendship with Madonna.
Neva: Never had to lie to Madge and say what a beautiful woman as her veins flex independently of her muscles

Britney: Has her father controlling her every move, dollar, and boy harem
Neva: Like you need your father around to control your life. Or even know who he is.

Congratulations, Britney. You win this round. But I will see you in a year and we’ll see whose barnacled penis purse is in US Weekly.

Self-Esteem: Why You Should Pray to St. Bernadette Peters

If you think Bernadette Peters (seen recently on Ugly Betty) looks phenomenal for fifty, you might believe she is a miracle at age sixty-one.

As soon as I found that out, I took to the internet – determined to find out what plastic surgery she had undergone. I found the same thing over and over – doctors saying she must have done something but they couldn’t tell what that something was. Doctors also cited good genes, staying out of the sun, and not smoking helping Bernadette Peters to remain youthful.

Women will go through a lot of cockamamie rituals and surgeries to remain young and looking beautiful - Bernadette Peters is no exception. Where she is exceptional is that she still looks like Bernadette Peters.


To put it in perspective, think about Stacy Ferguson lip syncing to Steve Winwood's "The Finer Things" on Kids Incorporated, then of the Fergie today, and tell me that you don't want to put Bernadette Peters on the dollar bill.



How many times have you seen a celebrity and gone, “What the hell happened to her lips?” Collagen injections have been in vogue for almost twenty years and are one of the easiest appearance modifications to spot - and the ugliest. I burned my hand in an oven when I was sixteen and the burn became a large, pussed up blister that at one point, could jiggle. That’s what I see when I look at someone like Lisa Rinna on the red carpet or Meg Ryan’s once delicate lips - jiggling sacs of pus that can magically talk. Even Jessica Simpson – who is my age – is regularly getting this procedure done. Maybe it’s because I have just a bit more than the average girl in the lip department, but I’ve always found the thin lips to be beautiful - like Margot Kidder. I can’t even find Margot Kidder lips anywhere except on Margot Kidder – who is just crazy enough to keep them that way.

Looking at bad plastic surgery - seeing women (and men) desperate to look good/better/different at any cost, Bernadette Peters is inspiring. There was no "at any cost" for Bernadette. She just made smart decisions about her lifestyle. She is taking care of her product for the long haul. I think a lot of young, recently young, and desperately seeking young Hollywood wants short term investments to pay off. Have you looked at breasts? Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Scarlett Johansson’s breast stock have all had rises and falls. And did Sarah Jessica Parker really think that we wouldn’t noticed those two things stuffed into her dress at the Academy Awards? Just because we’ve never seen her breasts in any episode of Sex & The City, doesn’t mean we don’t know what a B cup looks like.

I think what happens a lot with plastic surgery junkies is that they never like what they see. Something can always be changed, even after several surgeries, because the original product was never good enough. That’s the secret to why Bernadette Peters looks so amazing at age sixty-one: when she was younger, she saw herself in a mirror and decided that nothing needed to be changed. And nothing has.