Achieving Your Dreams: Eating Pop Tarts vs. Being One (and also eating them)

I am sure that there are times where you think, “If I could be thinner, I’d be more popular!” or “If I had more money, I’d be able to get the girl!” Do you sometimes feel shame for wanting your life to be a bit different? How do we deal with these feelings of helplessness caused by these painful acts of crushing and unalterable reality? Because if you wanted to be thinner, you would have done so a hundred donuts and a broken toilet ago. If you wanted to be richer, you wouldn’t have married right out of high school and cheated on your wife with her best friend, knocked both of them up, and now have to pay alimony and child support to two women who are now sleeping with each other and do not let you watch.

How do we deal?

With my personal role model, Britney Spears.




Britney and I have much in common – we were little girls with big ambitions – the only difference is that she achieved hers and I’ve accepted the painful facts of crushing and unalterable reality.

Let’s look at a timeline to see where things went wrong for me:

Britney: Born in 1981
Neva: Born in 1980

Right off the bat, it is apparent that being born in a time of a Presidential election is an ominous sign of hardship.

Britney: Was in gymnastics and dance
Neva: Wanted to be in gymnastics and dance after watching a memorable episode of Kids, Inc. but was denied because it would involve driving her somewhere and spending money

Britney: Sang in Baptist choir
Neva: Praised for her lip-sync technique, often before she could explain she wasn’t going to lip-sync this time

Britney: Was on Star Search
Neva: Watched Star Search on stolen cable her mother rigged from the neighbor’s trailer with a kitchen knife

Britney: Auditioned and won a spot on the Mickey Mouse Club
Neva: Wanted to audition after finding out about it watching a memorable episode of Kids, Inc. but was denied because it would involve driving her somewhere and spending money

You see how Britney and I always remained a hair apart from living parallel lives? See how those little jumps would have made it better? Or do you not believe me. Let’s examine these a little closer.

Britney: Had her debut album go to #1
Neva: Has not yet had a debut album

Verdict: Yet! It is a proven future fact that when Neva’s debut album featuring nothing but Flock of Seagulls’ B-Sides will go triple platinum, not to mention achieve the #1 spot on the charts. Almost parallel lives!

Britney: Starred in the movie Crossroads
Neva: Burned her hand on a fresh from the oven Hot Pocket and was forced to watch Crossroads

Verdict: Both have suffered terrible fates because of the movie Crossroads – Britney for being in it, Neva for having eaten a Hot Pocket during it. Almost parallel lives!

Britney: Slept with Justin Timberlake while claiming she was a virgin
Neva: Had a boyfriend who hadn’t come out of the closet while claiming she didn’t like anal sex

Verdict: ALMOST PARALELL LIVES!

Let’s return back to the inescapable quicksand of the painful acts of crushing and unalterable reality – how do you cope? Well, sometimes when a girl seems to have it all, she really has nothing. Remember that song about a girl named “Lucky”? Who is that song really about – me or Britney?

Britney: Married the baby daddy of a girl who was on Moesha and had two kids with him before divorcing and losing support rapidly as she slowly and publicly lost her mind, her hair, and her panties.
Neva: Managed to say no to the Mexican midget hitting on her at the gay bar when drunk. Lots of hair. Lots of panties.

Britney: Got the friendship of Madonna, made out with Madonna, lost friendship with Madonna.
Neva: Never had to lie to Madge and say what a beautiful woman as her veins flex independently of her muscles

Britney: Has her father controlling her every move, dollar, and boy harem
Neva: Like you need your father around to control your life. Or even know who he is.

Congratulations, Britney. You win this round. But I will see you in a year and we’ll see whose barnacled penis purse is in US Weekly.

Self-Esteem: Why You Should Pray to St. Bernadette Peters

If you think Bernadette Peters (seen recently on Ugly Betty) looks phenomenal for fifty, you might believe she is a miracle at age sixty-one.

As soon as I found that out, I took to the internet – determined to find out what plastic surgery she had undergone. I found the same thing over and over – doctors saying she must have done something but they couldn’t tell what that something was. Doctors also cited good genes, staying out of the sun, and not smoking helping Bernadette Peters to remain youthful.

Women will go through a lot of cockamamie rituals and surgeries to remain young and looking beautiful - Bernadette Peters is no exception. Where she is exceptional is that she still looks like Bernadette Peters.


To put it in perspective, think about Stacy Ferguson lip syncing to Steve Winwood's "The Finer Things" on Kids Incorporated, then of the Fergie today, and tell me that you don't want to put Bernadette Peters on the dollar bill.



How many times have you seen a celebrity and gone, “What the hell happened to her lips?” Collagen injections have been in vogue for almost twenty years and are one of the easiest appearance modifications to spot - and the ugliest. I burned my hand in an oven when I was sixteen and the burn became a large, pussed up blister that at one point, could jiggle. That’s what I see when I look at someone like Lisa Rinna on the red carpet or Meg Ryan’s once delicate lips - jiggling sacs of pus that can magically talk. Even Jessica Simpson – who is my age – is regularly getting this procedure done. Maybe it’s because I have just a bit more than the average girl in the lip department, but I’ve always found the thin lips to be beautiful - like Margot Kidder. I can’t even find Margot Kidder lips anywhere except on Margot Kidder – who is just crazy enough to keep them that way.

Looking at bad plastic surgery - seeing women (and men) desperate to look good/better/different at any cost, Bernadette Peters is inspiring. There was no "at any cost" for Bernadette. She just made smart decisions about her lifestyle. She is taking care of her product for the long haul. I think a lot of young, recently young, and desperately seeking young Hollywood wants short term investments to pay off. Have you looked at breasts? Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Scarlett Johansson’s breast stock have all had rises and falls. And did Sarah Jessica Parker really think that we wouldn’t noticed those two things stuffed into her dress at the Academy Awards? Just because we’ve never seen her breasts in any episode of Sex & The City, doesn’t mean we don’t know what a B cup looks like.

I think what happens a lot with plastic surgery junkies is that they never like what they see. Something can always be changed, even after several surgeries, because the original product was never good enough. That’s the secret to why Bernadette Peters looks so amazing at age sixty-one: when she was younger, she saw herself in a mirror and decided that nothing needed to be changed. And nothing has.

Cocktails

We are at a large party, you and I. We don't know each other, but we found ourselves accidentally making eye contact and without someone to talk to. If we don't make the effort, we are both doomed to stand in the corner of shame with the plants.

We exchange names and we share a small moment of coincidence of something both of us find dull and never to be remembered. Our eyes dart around, revealing that neither of us enjoy pretending to be interested in where the other grew up. We both see other groups of people, all having a good time. Our eyes briefly meet again and we both think, "That could be me if I weren't here with you."

Right when we are both going make a poor excuse to leave each other's company - your friend is running late and need to check your messages to be sure she isn't lost and I lost the knife I was going to use to slit my wrists - we see someone coming towards us with a cocktail. Up until now, we weren't aware that they were being served, but either they were a Valkyrie from Valhalla or we just found the perfect excuse to leave.

There's a little journey you and I experience trying to find the table with the cocktails. We joke a little about how hard this seemingly simple task. We have moments of discovery - one side of the room seems to have more people holding beverages than the other. We follow the trail until we find the table that overflows with empty red cups. We high five in victory and pour out our libations. We give a quick toast, take a drink. We might have become party pals but at that moment, you see your friend - the one you thought might be lost. I let you go get her so she can enjoy the booze without the struggle you and I went through. Our eyes meet once more as you make your way back and we both think, "Those moments of boredom were worth it to get to this cocktail."

I don't know if blogs are the cocktails or the awkward pairing, but either are a welcome distraction at the party until something interesting happens.

If I seem down on myself, you should know that after you left, I began making fun of your fashion sense with my new friend, the plant in the corner of shame. After a few cocktails each, he's a brilliant conversationalist and he's single. In a few more, he may even become straight!