Achieving Your Dreams: Eating Pop Tarts vs. Being One (and also eating them)

I am sure that there are times where you think, “If I could be thinner, I’d be more popular!” or “If I had more money, I’d be able to get the girl!” Do you sometimes feel shame for wanting your life to be a bit different? How do we deal with these feelings of helplessness caused by these painful acts of crushing and unalterable reality? Because if you wanted to be thinner, you would have done so a hundred donuts and a broken toilet ago. If you wanted to be richer, you wouldn’t have married right out of high school and cheated on your wife with her best friend, knocked both of them up, and now have to pay alimony and child support to two women who are now sleeping with each other and do not let you watch.

How do we deal?

With my personal role model, Britney Spears.




Britney and I have much in common – we were little girls with big ambitions – the only difference is that she achieved hers and I’ve accepted the painful facts of crushing and unalterable reality.

Let’s look at a timeline to see where things went wrong for me:

Britney: Born in 1981
Neva: Born in 1980

Right off the bat, it is apparent that being born in a time of a Presidential election is an ominous sign of hardship.

Britney: Was in gymnastics and dance
Neva: Wanted to be in gymnastics and dance after watching a memorable episode of Kids, Inc. but was denied because it would involve driving her somewhere and spending money

Britney: Sang in Baptist choir
Neva: Praised for her lip-sync technique, often before she could explain she wasn’t going to lip-sync this time

Britney: Was on Star Search
Neva: Watched Star Search on stolen cable her mother rigged from the neighbor’s trailer with a kitchen knife

Britney: Auditioned and won a spot on the Mickey Mouse Club
Neva: Wanted to audition after finding out about it watching a memorable episode of Kids, Inc. but was denied because it would involve driving her somewhere and spending money

You see how Britney and I always remained a hair apart from living parallel lives? See how those little jumps would have made it better? Or do you not believe me. Let’s examine these a little closer.

Britney: Had her debut album go to #1
Neva: Has not yet had a debut album

Verdict: Yet! It is a proven future fact that when Neva’s debut album featuring nothing but Flock of Seagulls’ B-Sides will go triple platinum, not to mention achieve the #1 spot on the charts. Almost parallel lives!

Britney: Starred in the movie Crossroads
Neva: Burned her hand on a fresh from the oven Hot Pocket and was forced to watch Crossroads

Verdict: Both have suffered terrible fates because of the movie Crossroads – Britney for being in it, Neva for having eaten a Hot Pocket during it. Almost parallel lives!

Britney: Slept with Justin Timberlake while claiming she was a virgin
Neva: Had a boyfriend who hadn’t come out of the closet while claiming she didn’t like anal sex

Verdict: ALMOST PARALELL LIVES!

Let’s return back to the inescapable quicksand of the painful acts of crushing and unalterable reality – how do you cope? Well, sometimes when a girl seems to have it all, she really has nothing. Remember that song about a girl named “Lucky”? Who is that song really about – me or Britney?

Britney: Married the baby daddy of a girl who was on Moesha and had two kids with him before divorcing and losing support rapidly as she slowly and publicly lost her mind, her hair, and her panties.
Neva: Managed to say no to the Mexican midget hitting on her at the gay bar when drunk. Lots of hair. Lots of panties.

Britney: Got the friendship of Madonna, made out with Madonna, lost friendship with Madonna.
Neva: Never had to lie to Madge and say what a beautiful woman as her veins flex independently of her muscles

Britney: Has her father controlling her every move, dollar, and boy harem
Neva: Like you need your father around to control your life. Or even know who he is.

Congratulations, Britney. You win this round. But I will see you in a year and we’ll see whose barnacled penis purse is in US Weekly.